That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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