just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
