Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
