using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
