fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
