Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
