So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
