I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
