i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
