Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
