I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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