you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
