I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
