A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
