did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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