Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
