i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
