I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
