I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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