Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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