I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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