it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
