I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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