I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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