Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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