Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
