This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
