Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i believe in u and ur pee
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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