No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
