Screwed.edu
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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