I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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