Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
