Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
