May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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