I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
