Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
