There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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