Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
