btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
