I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
