The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
