if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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