I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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