Pappa wants mamma naked
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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