You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
