I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
