I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
