Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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