Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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