Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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